maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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