You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
