apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
