You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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