I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
