i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
