After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
