Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I love you. Go after that dick
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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