I never want to see another naked old woman again.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
