Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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