can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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