this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Randomize
