i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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