Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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