when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
