you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
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