i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
