I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
