Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
