Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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