So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
