Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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