Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
