Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
