i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
