I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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