I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
