I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
