Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
