i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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