nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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