I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
