oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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