I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
