I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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