My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
