I puked a lego.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
