Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
