i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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