my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
