if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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