i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
