He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
