my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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