So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
