your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
