Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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