And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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