I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
