There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
