He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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