Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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